Do All Men Cheat?

Is it about You or About Them?

Since little girls we have heard those whispers amongst the women in our families talk about it in kitchens and on back porches. Sometimes the conversations would be in whispers behind closed doors and other times outward displays of cussing and venomous objections. We have heard of the culprit being the younger woman who lured husbands away from their homes offering youth, vitality and prestige. We have heard of men maintaining behind the scene relationships for many years while navigating a marriage, dispensing his loins between the two. In these experiences, bitterness took the steering wheel for these women. It drove their hope in love into an internal wilderness of distrust, and a crushed spirit. As I look back on those formative years, I did not remember the evidence of actual tears from their bruised hearts for it was cleverly masqueraded as stellar strength. What I didn’t realize was the weight of heartbreak became a barrier between their true self value and wholeness.

Despite witnessing their bruises of despair, we created our young views of relationships with innocent and open hearts. Love lasts forever. Love is pure. Love is honest. Those strong guard rails of morality and inexperience braced our perception of love and cradled our hearts in soft velvet boxes. Protecting it and embellishing its sweetness.

The question is. What makes a man cheat? Why is the reputation of most men labeled as heartless, deceitful and just plain old dogs? After discussing this very subject with a few men, I have relinquished that low self value trap that catches us by the hearts when a man strays from the relationship. After carefully listening to these men of integrity, I learned that most men are always seeking something new and different because of their immaturity and need for confirmation in a relationship. Most men are looking for their egos to be stroke. The thrill of starting a new relationship and feeling that energy of passion and indulging into new sex with a new partner is exhilarating for them. Its a new experience. Its a thrilling adventure ride that most men decide to try. Even if the thrill only last for a moment.

My next question is, how can a man trade a history of a woman who they claimed they loved and respect into the arms of someone they don’t truly know but from face and body value? We have heard it all. Its the thrill of it all. Also, I was told that some men don’t intend for some relationships to last. They will use that woman until they believe someone else with considerable value is either attracted to them and offers them something different. There’s that “different” term again. Some men are seeking for their entire lives looking outside themselves for confirmation. Most will never find it in one woman. Being committed requires morals, integrity, maturity, an ability to truly feel love and most of all confidence in himself. A real man doesn’t need to look for a woman to make him whole. Teach me more. I said.

Finally, I am told that its not about me. Ladies, its not about us. If he cheated on you, he will very well bring that mindset of the thrill ride into another relationship. Its not that you are overweight. Its not because you are not attractive. Its because they are looking outside of themselves for something, anything to confirm who they are. Not all men have role models to teach them how to be faithful husbands and devoted fathers. If they saw their father cheated on their mother, they may follow suit unconsciously cursed by his generational brokenness. This is why parenting is the lifeline to our children. It is through us that they learn how to live with integrity and compassion. We are their example of love. The parental training from us can possibly end the trail of broken hearts caused by the hands of OUR offspring.

I digested this new revelation spoken by men of wisdom. Yes, men have wisdom too. These men have been with their wives for over 20 years. Some have confessed that they look at attractive women but have decided not ventured out to test the waters. One man said, “I can never do that to my wife”. “I would never hurt her like that”. “I know that there will be women out there who may look better or who are just different from my wife”. “ I love her through all of the arguments and disagreements.” “I love her not for what she does but for who she is as a woman.” Another man said, that he trust his wife. He knows that she loves him. She has been his rock and his inspiration. He admits that neither of them is perfect but even her imperfections are worth his commitment. “She’s a pistol but I love every bit of her, he says with a smile.” “The bottom line is that I love her.” “I truly love her.” “Through all of the good and the bad times.” “I am not going anywhere.”

I will say to women. Take the time to learn about your man. Listen to your intuition. Don’t ignore the signs. If he cheated on his girlfriend or wife before you, he is most likely to do the same to you. It may be how he operates in his life. “ There is no reason ever to cheat on a woman”. This statement was followed by a pause. Men come up with many reasons to justify their infidelity. I believe deep down, men do know what they are doing. Justifying infidelity eases any traces of guilt and lets them off the hook. Many men do not have the courage to end a relationship in a respectful manner and resort to sabotaging the relationship. I am convinced that women would appreciate a respectful exit if need be as opposed to leaving the relationship abruptly or flaunting another women around to infer his moving on.

I ask the question again, “Do all Men Cheat?” No, they don’t. Mine did. Yours may have. Not every man cheats. There are men out there who are loving, strong, mature and morally sound enough to commit to a relationship. There are men out there who understand the meaning of true love and commitment. There are men out there who are wise enough and morally strong enough to not get caught up in the lust trap of seeking a new thrill.

From a spiritual point of view, I now understand that “Nothing just happens”. God will remove people in your life that are not meant to go on your life journey with you. I read that “God heard conversations that you did not hear and that is why he allowed it to happen”. Just think about that. God saw what you did not see. He heard the conversations between them on the phone. He saw the sneaking around. There’s nothing that God did not see. I remember praying hard for my marriage to restore. It didn’t happen. He had already had plans before I knew it to move on. I had to realize that he was not my soulmate. God had another plan. I couldn’t force it. If you trust God you will know without a doubt that everything will work out for the good. If you believe in God’s will you will not stay broken for long. There’s a lesson in every journey.

Ladies, don’t give up on love. Select your man carefully. Pray for guidance. Don’t fall for the bells and whistles but take the time to explore and learn. The true spirit of a man will eventually surface. Don’t give most of your heart away and be caught with no heart left for yourself.

Thank you black, beautiful men of wisdom (Mike, Quincy) for transforming my thinking about men and cheating. You have convinced me that all men don’t cheat and that there are men of integrity, commitment, honor and morals still out there looking for meaningful, loving and committed relationships. Continue to set the bar for real men. Some good men are getting a bad rap from the ones who are walking around confused and scoring points for breaking women’s hearts.

Will REAL MEN please stand up. You are worthy of an applause. You give us hope. Real faithful men are not extinct. They are very much alive and waiting for the right woman for them. Ladies, remember his cheating is not a reflection on You. Cheating is about THEM. The good news is that there is a such thing as a “Real Man”.

Katrina Garrett